The Gift of Missing

I think it was about two weeks ago now...I went to bed, intending to sleep...but lay there crying instead.  (Don't be distressed, I cry a lot these days.  I think it goes along with the hot flashes and word-hunting...no biggie.)  Why crying?, you ask.  Well, its all part of the gift of missing.  


On this particular night, I first turned toward the wall, and my eyes wandered over the pictures I have tucked under ribbons on a board there.  It was the one of my handsome Daddy that first got the tears rolling.  He's been gone about a year and a half now, and still, I have this feeling that it can't be real.  How can this man, always as tough as the Duke himself, kinda rugged, and with a sparkle of orneriness in his eye, truly have grown old, and frail, and just die? It just doesn't seem possible.  I want to go back to that day when I was about 16, and my folks were talking about "when we die."  I was mortified! "Don't talk about that!" I exclaimed.  They both smiled knowingly, and way too calmly, first at each other, and then at me, and my Dad said, "Well, Little One, everybody dies sometime, and one day, your Mother and I will too.  But we won't leave til you're ready.  You will be just fine."  


I want to go back to that day and hug him again, and then look him in the eye and tell him, he lied.  I have not felt fine!  Except maybe I might be at least accepting that there can be fine days...in the future.  I think I am far enough away from the raw shock of it, of my Daddy being gone, that I can think about the real gift of missing.


At the other end of life, there is my 2 year old, beautiful, stubborn, smart, and very busy grandson, Aaron.  As I lay there in bed, I picked up my cell phone and began randomly looking through pictures and videos.  There are plenty of pictures of this boy, this darling miniature-Zachary, (his Daddy, my son). And soon I was watching a little 15 second video I made during a recent visit with little Aaron. (I can't get it to show up, sorry...I will try again tomorrow.)
His Papa and I enjoyed those three nights and four days with all the abandon we could manage!  What a gift that time with Aaron was!  Anyway, I digress.  Often.

This little video is burnt into the very fibers of my heart, and every time I watched it that night, I ached to hold him, to kiss those feather-soft eyelashes, to hear his little-boy voice.  So I wept some more, in the gift of missing Aaron.
(Tears spilled out of my eyes and rolled right into my ears...I really hate that.)


Well, then I thought of Jesus.  (Can't help it, He's where I go when I am crying.)
And I thought about Him singing over me, and I wonder what the song is...and I wish I could hear Him and see Him sitting there on the edge of the bed...and then I am smiling and crying and blowing my nose and realizing that I am missing Someone I have never seen, with all my heart!  I am amazed by this, and pretty glad.  I do chatter to Him all the time, it would follow then, that I would grow to miss Him.  I know, right?  Isn't that awesome?!


As you might guess by now, my mind wandered further, and I found the gift.
The gift of missing.


I miss my Daddy dreadfully, but I am blessed to have had a father whom I care enough about, and who truly loved me unconditionally, to miss.


I miss my daughter, Lacie, away training for the Navy, but what a lovely ladybug to miss!  What if I never had her?  I am blessed to miss her beautiful heart and full-to-over-flowing-laughter.


I miss my son, Zachary, so far from home.  Afghanistan.  7000 miles.  I try really hard not to think about how far he is from my reach.  But wow, what a boy, a "Darling Boy", to miss!  (That's his Super-hero name from me:  "Darling Boy" to the rescue!!!)
I miss my Daughter-in-love, Rachel.  We once shared devotions and life-maps and apples and peanut butter during a difficult time in my life.  Rachel is a friend I miss daily.  She is awaiting her husband's return from Afghanistan in December.  Rachel is a wonder--as a wife, as a mother, as a woman with conviction.  I admire her.  I am glad to have such a precious young woman to miss.  It is a gift to my heart.


I miss my sweet little Aaron, also waiting for his Daddy to come home.  I wouldn't want a day to go by without having that little ray of sunshine to miss!
I miss my youngest son, Samuel.  He isn't so far away, just far enough to be way more independent, and less in need of his mama.  I miss the long-ago days when he needed my help to tie his shoes, or make his lunch, or tuck him in with prayer.  But I remember, and I miss, and I am blessed with the gift of missing this now-tall, angular-man-faced boy of mine.


I think you can see where I'm going here.  I seem to be doing a lot of missing lately...and yes, it is painful.  Still, because I choose to trust in a loving God, I can accept these gifts, tinged with an aching in my heart.  It is my gift to share in the missing He feels. I believe there is a real and desperate aching in His heart to hold me, to talk to you, to sing over us all with gladness. 


So when I go to sleep tonight, if I get tears in my ears, I will smile heavenward, and just open the gift.
Blowing Kisses to Heaven, Goodnight.